7

Feb

Season 2 – Email Surveillance

Posted by TheOfficeQuotes.com  Published in Uncategorized
Michael Scott: Oh no, everybody, Oscar's gone crazy. What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy, everything, in my path, [makes robot sounds] oil can, Tin Man.
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3

Feb

Season 2 – The Secret

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Michael Scott: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work...
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2

Feb

Season 3 – Cocktails

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Dwight Schrute: Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you?
Rachel Wallace: I don't know. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago. So...
Dwight Schrute: How convenient.
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30

Jan

Season 5 – Customer Survey

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Darryl: I was there and that dude is not engaged [referring to Michael]. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'd go into my own pocket to cover his copay.
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28

Jan

Season 1 – Basketball

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Phyllis: I could cheerlead.
Michael Scott: Ewwww. That's worse than you playing.
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27

Jan

Season 4 – Launch Party

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Michael Scott: You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when freshmen throw a party and wouldn't let any of the seniors go.
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24

Jan

Season 5 – Business Trip

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Oscar: [to Michael] I made egg salad sandwiches. Do you want one?
Michael Scott: Could you have picked something stinkier to bring on a plane? My God, Oscar, really. Do you have a bag of baby poop in there, too, to share with everybody? No, I'll be ordering my own food. Thank you very much. [turns to talk to flight attendant] Hi, um, I'd like to see a menu, please.
Flight Attendant: Oh, I'm sorry. There are no meals on flights less than two hours.
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. [looks back at Oscar regretfully]
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17

Jan

Season 6 – Koi Pond

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Pam Beesly: You were way meaner to me than I was to you.
Andy: No I wasn't, ok? The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler jelly sandwich.
Pam Beesly: You blew the sale you idiot!
Andy: Let me tell you something, I was never gonna make that sale.
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12

Jan

Season 3 – The Convict

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Michael Scott: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford, to the convict, to my friend, back to a convict, then to kind of a nuissance actually, if we can be completely honest. And finally to a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.
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11

Jan

Season 4 – Goodbye Toby

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Phyllis: [over the speakerphone] Hi, are there any local companies that rent anti-gravity machines?
Woman: Anti-gravity machines?
Phyllis: That's right, yeah.
Woman: What do they do exactly?
Phyllis: They make you feel lighter.
Woman: [looking it up] Anti-gravity... um... anti-depressant? I could put you through to someone on that?
Phyllis: [pause] Okay.
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10

Jan

Season 6 – Niagara

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Dwight Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus, is calling the shots! It's so bad ass.
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9

Jan

Season 5 – Two Weeks

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Michael Scott: You work in paper long enough, you get to know the players.
Speakerphone: (man) Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after forty years of serving the community, we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support and may God bless you.
Speakerphone: (child) Bye!
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8

Jan

Season 5 – Lecture Circuit Part 1

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Dwight Schrute: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim Halpert: Ok, good then.
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7

Jan

Season 4 – Fun Run

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Dwight Schrute: As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do, is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're keeping Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical.
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6

Jan

Season 2 – Christmas Party

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Kevin: But what are we gonna do with this hacked off part?
Michael Scott: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
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4

Jan

Season 3 – Safety Training

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[during safety training]
Toby: One thing you're going to want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome, so it's recommanded that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, um, you're gonna wanna get up out of your chairs and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Fine. Like stretching.
Toby: Um, yeah. Your computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so it's also recommanded that you step away for about 10 minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow. That time really adds up. Like a half an hour every hour?
Darry: Take them at the same time!
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3

Jan

Season 6 – Mafia

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Dwight Schrute: Criminals are like raccoons. You give them a taste of cat food and pretty soon they're back for the whole cat.
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2

Jan

Season 5 – Cafe Disco

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Ryan: Now that I'm back to doing the job of a temp again, I find that food is one thing I CAN control.
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1

Jan

Season 4 – Did I Stutter

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Dwight Schrute: [inspecting Andy's car] Scratch!
Andy: Ahh that's a racing stripe.
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31

Dec

Season 3 – Traveling Salesmen

Posted by TheOfficeQuotes.com  Published in Uncategorized
[from deleted scenes]
Michael Scott: Punctuality is something I demand from my employees. I need them to show up on time, so when I finally show up we can get started right away.
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29

Dec

Season 1 – Pilot

Posted by TheOfficeQuotes.com  Published in Uncategorized
Dwight Schrute: One word, two syllables: Demarcation.
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28

Dec

Season 5 – Casual Friday

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Andy: We could write a strongly worded letter.
Dwight Schrute: Words will never be enough.
Jim Halpert: Strongly painted picture.
Dwight Schrute: No pictures are too interpretive.
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27

Dec

Season 5 – New Boss

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Pam I can tell Micheal's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
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25

Dec

Season 2 – The Carpet

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Michael Scott: I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually.
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22

Dec

Season 4 – Chair Model

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Michael Scott: That would be bad.
Andy: Okay so... help us out?
Michael Scott: Wish I could. But I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shortn't.
Kevin: Michael, please--
Michael Scott: What part of shortn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I can probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves.
Andy: We won't let you down.
Michael Scott: [under his breath] You can't do that; I don't care.
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21

Dec

Season 4 – Branch Wars

Posted by TheOfficeQuotes.com  Published in Uncategorized
Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.
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20

Dec

Season 4 – Dinner Party

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Michael Scott: I finally broke down and bought myself a plasma tv. [camera pans out to show tiny screen attached to wall] Check it out. I actually hung this, on the wall, myself. Let me show you something: A lot of people in the room, you need more space [pushes the tv back an inch against the wall] Voila. Right into the wall.
Jim Halpert: Wow. [Jim and Pam nod at each other]
Michael Scott: Sometimes I will just stand here and watch television for hours. I love it. I love this tv!
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19

Dec

Season 5 – Moroccan Christmas

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Michael Scott: Meredith, have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberitely change your state of mind?
Meredith: Sure.
Michael Scott: Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion or mark a holiday?
Meredith: Obviously.
Michael Scott: Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon church?
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael Scott: I got it on a website. That's not important.
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18

Dec

Season 4 – Dunder Mifflin Infinity

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Creed: Hey bra'. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later skater.
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17

Dec

Season 6 – Double Date

Posted by TheOfficeQuotes.com  Published in Uncategorized
Pam Beesly: [about Michael's birthday lunch for Pam's mom] Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it.
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